Jokes Anyone? in Other things Forum

Jokes Anyone?

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LisaJ67	Jokes Anyone?		Lead	[-]
	Tags : None Someone sent me this, it was pretty funny.... Grandma's boyfriend: A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?' Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.' Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?' The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.' The minister fainted. Now, that's funny... I don't care WHO you are *Love is touching souls, well surely you've touched mine* - kd lang 27/10/08 23:56:01
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deb		#1	[url]	[-]
28/10/08 00:18:21	Kids say the dardest things, lol.
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kennedyflair		#2	[url]	[-]
28/10/08 19:30:41	Pic's not showing up fruitcake-sounds intriguing though
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fruitcake		#3	[url]	[-]
28/10/08 20:27:49	oh, no! i did the c&p deal, as someone advised, and when it showed up i was thrilled. shows fine and fair for me. do you get the dreaded x? what to do, what to do. guess i shall delete that'un and try another (more cumbersome) tack. tnx, kf.
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fruitcake		#4	[url]	[-]
28/10/08 20:34:57	what are these? boobees! (did it work that time?)
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LisaJ67		#5	[url]	[-]
29/10/08 12:10:20	Bwaahahahahah! That's cute! *Love is touching souls, well surely you've touched mine* - kd lang
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LisaJ67		#6	[url]	[-]
29/10/08 12:27:26	Some seasonal humour: *Love is touching souls, well surely you've touched mine* - kd lang
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fruitcake		#7	[url]	[-]
29/10/08 13:46:11	hahaha! very good, all of 'em! tnx, lisa.
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deb		#8	[url]	[-]
09/11/08 02:26:50	When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume ' The Stance.' In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold 'The Stance.' To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser.. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, 'Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose o n yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. 'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.' By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting. You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need this.' As you exit, you spot your friend, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?' This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!
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LisaJ67		#9	[url]	[-]
09/11/08 02:52:00	LOL!! Oh man, public bathrooms are dodgy - at best.......Most are so gross, on more than one occation I've been known to assume "the stance" myself *Love is touching souls, well surely you've touched mine* - kd lang
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manon		#10	[url]	[-]
09/11/08 14:39:34	Why do men never believe us when we say that we use the toilet "standing up" ?
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LisaJ67		#11	[url]	[-]
11/11/08 01:41:55	This is funny: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRzTfgds0UI *Love is touching souls, well surely you've touched mine* - kd lang
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kuddlyduck		#12	[url]	[-]
11/11/08 09:26:36	Deb, That is so funny I near wet myself just reading it.
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LisaJ67		#13	[url]	[-]
19/11/08 14:45:32	I just stole this from another board.....it's cute & very funny! These three old ladies and their dogs were sitting on a park bench, having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke. But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far. *Love is touching souls, well surely you've touched mine* - kd lang
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fruitcake		#14	[url]	[-]
19/11/08 16:35:14	regarding women using the men's john, this is a true story: a friend and i stopped at a restaurant on the cape last week and before anything else could proceed, a trip to the head was in order. as her need seemed to be more urgent than mine (who can measure these things?) and the women's room was a 'one-lunger', i encouraged her to go first. as i was lurking, i noticed that the door to the men's room was open, so i thought, why not? i had me a little peek: hmmm. large, clean, no men waiting. so again, why not? after locking the door and making my way to the toilet, my self-consciousness vanished as i noticed a sign posted, words in large font: please do not flush tampons or sanitary napkins! i took that as confirmation that i was likely not the first female to have crossed that threshhold! a p.s.: when i exited, a young woman was waiting to use the still-occupied-by-my-friend women's room. she noticed me, saw from whence i had emerged and looked at me curiously. i smiled and told her about the notice. in she went!
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kuddlyduck		#15	[url]	[-]
21/11/08 04:37:24	That's a great story fruitcake. lol I heard a joke yesterday. There's a priest who every sunday talks to the congregation. Then there's a taxi driver. Both priest & taxi driver passed away, same day, same time. They went to the pearly gates, where they were greeted. The person there said to the priest, "You can go to the lower level house." To the taxi driver he said " You can go to the higher level house" The higher level house of course was much more luxurious. The priest said " I'm a priest, l pray every day, he's a taxi driver. I should get the higher house." The response was. "Yes, you go to church & preach to the congregation every Sunday, but people yawn & fall asleep, whereas the taxi driver when taking his passengers to their destinations always has them praying."
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deb		#16	[url]	[-]
22/11/08 02:50:05	But you said you loved me? I don't like you anymore. No, no, no, no, no. noooooo!!!!!! You will pay... as God as my witness... you will pay! Come closer, I have something I want to whisper in your ear. I want my mommmmmieeee!! Traction! I'm loosing traction! You suck.
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kuddlyduck		#17	[url]	[-]
22/11/08 12:17:28	Deb, I love it.
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LisaJ67		#18	[url]	[-]
22/11/08 12:56:40	Awwwwwww, LOL, those are so cute! *Love is touching souls, well surely you've touched mine* - kd lang
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manon		#19	[url]	[-]
22/11/08 15:56:48	lisa, you are a silly girl with your joke about the 3 old ladies, but I liked it. Oh, Deb, poor kitty. but we used to have a long haired cat who, just once in a while, needed a good shower.
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fruitcake		#20	[url]	[-]
22/11/08 17:18:34	eeeeeeeeeek! dem poor kee-tenns!
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